Notes from the following udemy courses

  • Conflict Management with Emotional Intelligence
  • Complete Guide to Conflict Management in the Workplace
  • Become a Master at Conflict Management at Home or Work

Thomas-Kilman Conflict Mode

Two dimensions: assertive and cooperative

Accommodating

  • The other side wins
  • People oriented approach
  • Good for
    • Not putting in more effort than the issue is worth
    • Knowing when to pick battles.
    • Need to build relationships
  • Cons
    • Does not really solve the problem when the issue is important
    • Viewed as weak if used too often
    • Sometimes can’t please everyone
    • Bad ideas may go through
    • Not good when expectations/roles are unclear

Avoiding

  • Remove one of the conflicting parties or ignore the issue for a while
  • Sometimes, just letting the people vent is enough for the individual to relieve frustration and move to the problem solving mode.
    • Let people cooldown, but let them know that you are not avoidng and will come back to you.
  • Good for
    • Useful when you need a cooldown period or need to think more on your stance, e.g., when one is emotional/angry.
    • Some issues may solve themselves given time and space
    • Trivial info
    • Pick your battle
  • Cons
    • Does not replace the solution. The issue may grow bigger as the time goes
    • The message is not heard

Compromising

  • Lose-lose
  • Good for
    • Time constraint
    • Relationship is importatnt
    • Both sides equally strong arguments
    • Moderately important goals
    • Temp mode for complex issues
    • Backup mode for collaboration. Compromise can set the stage for collaboration down the road, and allows both parties to feel heard.
  • Cons
    • Strategic or goals are involved
    • We don’t want to break the committment
    • Each side may still not understand the other’s needs, and trust may still be lacking.

Competing

  • My way or the highway
  • Good for
    • Goal oriented
    • Quick, difficult, or unpopular decisions
    • When people take advantage of you
  • Not good for
    • Morale
    • When there is resistence or sabotage

Collaboration

  • Win-win
  • People often assume win-lose is the only way. This assumption may not be true because the lump of labor is not constant
  • Need to understand each other’s needs and establish the common goals
  • Need good negotiation skills
  • Good for
    • Goal oriented and people oriented
    • Creative solutions
    • High stake issues,e.g., can’t compromise both parties goals
    • Both parties are willing to collaborate
    • Merge insights from different povs
  • Not good for
    • When lack of time. The process is time-consuming
    • Problem is trivial
    • No interested in collaborating

Stages of conflict

More intense conflicts are harder to handle.

  • Latent
    • Disagreement even before parties are aware
    • Step in right away
  • Preceived
    • Parties are aware
    • They favor their own point of view and defend their position.
    • They feel wronged or threatened.
  • Felt
    • Verbal
    • Raised voice
    • Animated conversation
    • Ignoring or avoiding individual
  • Manifest
    • One party takes action before talking to other parties
    • Gossiping, complaining
    • Communication is often hostile, passive-aggressive

Wording

  • Conflicts can easily be escalated by an ill-judged comment combined with an unfiltered response
  • We tend to exaggerate during arguments
    • causes of the situation
    • consequences of the situation
    • conditions of the resolution
  • “yes, but”
    • Negate the other’s contribution
    • Position your idea as the right one
    • “yes, and”
      • Affirming other’s ideas
      • Communicating that they have been heard
      • Building upon their ideas
    • More likely to use “but” rather than “and” in the heat of discussion
  • XYZ techinque, when, what, how I feel. Also works for positive reinforcement
    • “When X happens, I feel Y, because of Z.”
  • Can i disagree and commit? Will you trust me on delivering it, even though i disagree?
    • 100% commitment. No sabotoge or half hearted effort. No “I told you so”
    • Effort to make that decision a success
  • Share feeliing without judging and blaming. Leave ownership on the speaker
    • You make me so mad
      • I feel hurt that I didn’t hear from you
    • You are insensitive
      • I feel angry when I was called out publicly
    • You are undependenble
      • I feel disappointed when we can’t arrive at an agreement
  • Leveling statement
    • Starting stage or de-escalate during the dialouge
    • State a concern w/o blame or hostality
    • Express your desire to understand the other person’s point of view
    • Let them know you’d like to work things out together
    • Focus on the process of communication rather than content
      • It was upsetting to me to learn about the memo. However, I want to understand your pov and then figure out how we can better communication and coordniate our work in the future.
      • I was surprised by what you said this morning during our coffee break. It seems you have some strong feels about this matter which i’d like to understand.
      • I’ve been feeling uneasy in our relationship, ever since the board meeting in Sep. I’d like to understand your pov and see if we can get back to our previous working relationship
      • I sense you are not feeling good about our assignments. I am not either. Let’s agree to talk about this in an open way until we find a solution we both feel good about
      • I think we have different understanding of what he intended and what is fair to each of us. I’d like to understand your point of view and share mine as well and see if we can work this out
      • I’m not feeling good about how this is escalating and you’re prob not either. I want to understand how you are feeling and what we can do to calm our discussion and get it back on track.
  • Priming
    • State your best guess when other side closed down or is struggling identifying thoughts/feelings
    • I would guess you’re not in favor of what we’ve been discussing
    • You prob like to participate but not sure if it is appropriate
    • It seems you were offended by the comment
    • I’ll bet it has been a difficult statement
  • Immediacy
    • When you want to be heard
    • Commenting on the process of communication
    • can we take a time out for just a moment?
    • Seems that you are upset by my pov and you start talking over me. I want to hear what you want to say, but I also want to finish what I’m saying
    • Seems that it is hard for you to hear what I have to say

Third party intervention

  • Listen carefully and dispassionately. Avoid showing your opinion, even if one side seems right.
    • Ask them how to resolve the issue and to move forward
  • Talk to both parties separately first. May circle back and forth to clarify details
  • Instead of focusing on conflict as a behavior issue, focus on the communication of it.
  • Bringing all parties to the same table
    • Ask each party about past conflicts, how to solve them, and how to prevent future issues.
    • Agree and establish observable elements that will have an impact on the decision and outcome
  • Get agreed on what is agreed and the way forward
  • Remind each party of their obligations under the original agreement, and ask their opinion of the progress thus far, and if the conflict has truly been resolved.

Collaboration/Dialogue

Preparation

  • Manage the your own emotion before you start the conversation
  • What is my intent going into this conversation?
    • Often unaware
    • Outcome rather than the need of you being heard
  • Not committed to solutions going in

Invitation

  • Conversation starts poorly most likely ends poorly
  • Use soft start
    • Something i have been thinking about lately
    • I’d like to know you your point of view
    • Disatisfaction rather than blame
      • I feel like I am the one doing all the clean up
      • You people are such slobs
  • Clarifying you intent and/or concerns. Point out what you do and do not intend
  • Stating your commit to collaboration. Keep going back to it when you are bogged down during exploration

Exploration

  • This is the hard part
  • Common mistakes
    • Persuade, convince other into accepting your view at this stage
      • Ignore complexity
      • Only pay attention to the data that supports your pov
    • Moving too quickly into problem solving
  • Different assumptions set up for conflict because of ambiguity
  • Create a pool of shared understanding
    • Surface and understand the assumptions of all partities
    • Search for a common and more complete reality
  • Shared understanding does not mean agreement
  • Start by inquiring the view of others
    • How are you feeling right now about what we’ve learned?
  • Identify what you don’t truly understand.
  • if you want to prove one side is right and one side is wrong, you shut down comm, and parties move to polarization. Curiosity on other side’s story.

Collaboration

  • Unmet needs are the heart of the conflict
  • People are not fighting solutions, rather what is important to them.
    • Often the breaking point is different from the true cause.
    • Conflicts with team often are from the unclear expectations
    • Often they define the problem differently and have different goals.
  • Main reason for the conflict to continue is to focus on the position, rather than interests
    • Ask why such position is important to them
    • Motive often different from what they say
      • They make promises to customers without having even a clue about how much it takes to build a good product.
  • Brainstorming
    • Make sure everyone understands desired outcome
    • One thought at a time
    • No criticism
    • Outrangous ideas are encouraged
    • No discussion of ideas except to clarify its meaning
    • Build on other’s ideas
  • Consensus
    • Everyone has contributed to brainstoriming the solution
    • Support a final solution even though their favorite isn’t part of it

When someone is at the fight position

  • Try not to become frustrated or impassioned, because parties will be even harder to calm down and resolve the issue.
  • Conflict toxin kicks in when what is said is taken literally.
    • Let it pass
    • Ask using neutral, open questions
  • Disarm
    • Don’t aggrevate them by body language, e.g., pointing fingers, shaking hands
    • Let them express the burst of anger, and keep the neutral facial expression and body position
    • Paraphase the information
    • Question the concerns
    • Calm and confident position
    • Use the pace to lower the energy
  • Intervening
    • avoid body languages that is pushy or impatient, e.g., extended eye contacts, leaning in close
    • Clarify what you heard with qualities and quantities their points
    • Use open body/hand gestures to represent 2-3 options, and ask if a decision would address their concern
  • The awkward silence
    • When faced with an insult or a challenging questions, pause and think deepingly before answering
    • Helps move into the rational mind. Keep emotion under control. Answering what you believe rather than what others want to hear.