Contextual Requests: Avoid Defensive or Overly Justifying Tone

  • Too Long/Detailed: Goes into unnecessary background or explains things the receiver likely already knows.
  • Focus on Personal Effort/Stress: Emphasizes how much work you’ve done or how stressed you are about the deadline (e.g., “…because I’ve been working on this all day and I really need to get it off my plate”).
  • Implies Potential Problems: Phrases it in a way that suggests negative consequences if the task isn’t done, rather than the positive outcome if it is (e.g., “…because if you don’t, the whole project will be delayed”).
  • Slightly Accusatory or Patronizing Language: Uses phrases like “As you should know…” or over-emphasizes obvious points.
    • If your colleague is doing that
      • Acknowledge to yourself that the speaker might not intend it negatively, even if it feels that way. This can help manage your reaction.
      • Try to mentally filter past the “as I mentioned” preamble and focus on the actual point being made.
    • In your own communication, use softer ways to refer back, like: “Just circling back to the point about X…” or “Building on our previous discussion…” or simply restating the point without the preamble.
  • Example (Contrast): “I really need you to finalize the slides, please try to get them done by 3 PM. Because, as you know, the practice run is at 4 PM, and I can’t possibly merge the decks if I don’t have your part, and it took me ages to get my section done, so we really can’t be late with this.” (Sounds stressed, over-explains the obvious dependency, focuses on personal effort and potential failure).
  • Informative/Collaborative: “Here’s the task, and here’s the simple, direct reason why it’s needed for our shared goal.”
  • Defensive/Justifying: “Here’s the task, and here are all the reasons why you absolutely must do it, please understand it’s important, I’ve worked hard, and bad things might happen if you don’t.”

Preach on known knowledge and skills

  • Instead of focusing on the what (the principles you know), try to understand why they might be bringing up this specific principle right now. Is there a subtle company focus? A recent challenge elsewhere in the org? Sometimes the timing or emphasis can offer clues about broader priorities, even if the content itself isn’t new to you.
  • Acknowledge and Pivot: Briefly acknowledge the principle, then immediately connect it to a specific action or question. “Yes, that principle of [Principle Name] is definitely key. I’ve been thinking about how it applies specifically to the [Project/Task Name]. For example, with [Specific Situation], I’m considering [Action A] vs. [Action B]. From your perspective, which aligns better with that principle in this practical case?” This shows you understand the principle and are actively applying it, shifting the focus to actionable advice.
  • Share Your Application (Briefly): Casually mention how you’re already using the principle. “That’s a great reminder about [Principle]. We actually leveraged that last week when we [brief example of your action] and it led to [positive outcome]. It really proved effective.” This subtly demonstrates your competence without being defensive.

Inaccurate view of your approach or focus

  • Is the Counter-Question a Good Strategy?
    • probably not as your only or primary response. Use it sparingly, perhaps when the assumption seems particularly off-base or when you have the time and energy for a potential dialogue, and be very mindful of delivering it with a genuinely curious and non-confrontational tone.
  • Gentle, Direct Correction & Restatement: This is often the most efficient and professional approach for frequent, minor misinterpretations.
    • Example: “Actually, I focus mainly on the significant deals like X and Y since they have the biggest impact. I don’t track all the smaller ones quite so closely.”
    • Why it works: It corrects the record quickly and factually without making a big deal out of it or putting the other person on the defensive. It clarifies your actual behaviour.
  • Ignore (Selective Use): If the comment is passing, doesn’t materially affect the work, and you don’t have the energy, sometimes just letting it go is easiest. Choose your battles. If it doesn’t matter, maybe it doesn’t warrant correction every single time.
  • Seek Feedback (If You Suspect a Root Cause): If you’re genuinely puzzled why this impression persists, you could ask a trusted colleague or even your manager if they have insights into how you might be perceived or if your role’s focus is clear to others.

Blunt communication

  • Assume Neutrality, Not Malice: Try to consciously assume they aren’t trying to be hurtful. They might just be very direct, lack social awareness, be stressed, or think this is an efficient way to communicate. Attributing their bluntness to their style rather than a personal attack can lessen the sting.
  • Focus on the Task: Remind yourself that the interaction is about the work, not about you personally. Their feedback or question, however poorly phrased, likely relates to a task, project, or process.
  • Listen for the ‘What’, Not the ‘How’: Train yourself to filter out the tone and the rhetorical phrasing. Ask yourself: “What is the underlying point, question, or concern here?” What information do they actually need, or what disagreement are they trying to express?
  • Translate the Rhetorical Question: When they ask “Are you… [doing something they disagree with]?”, mentally translate it to: “I have a concern about [the topic]. Can you explain your approach or thinking?” or “I don’t agree with [the implied action]. Here’s why…”
  • Ask Open-Ended Questions: Instead of getting defensive, respond to “Are you…?” with questions that require them to explain their actual point.
    • “Could you tell me more about your concern regarding [the topic]?”
    • “What specific aspect of [the topic] are you questioning?”
    • “Help me understand what you think should be happening instead.”
  • Paraphrase for Understanding (Content Only): Repeat back what you think their substantive point is, ignoring the blunt delivery.
    • “So, if I understand correctly, you’re concerned about [the specific issue] because [potential reason]? Is that right?”
    • “Okay, it sounds like you disagree with [method/decision]. What approach do you suggest?” This forces them to move beyond the rhetorical question into a constructive discussion.
  • It’s Not (Necessarily) About You: Consciously remind yourself that their communication style is likely how they interact with many people, not just you. It reflects their habits, not your shortcomings.
  • Separate Feedback from Judgment: Even if the delivery feels judgmental, focus only on the actionable feedback or the core question about the work itself.

Culture and strategy

  • Culture is the Enabler (or Disabler) of Strategy: Think of culture as the soil and climate, and strategy as the seeds you plant. You can have the best seeds (strategy), but if the soil is toxic or the climate hostile (culture), nothing will grow. Your focus on cultivating a culture where people tackle necessary work, not just interesting work, is precisely about improving the “soil” so that any strategy can take root and flourish.
  • Working on This Specific Culture Aspect Is Strategic: You aren’t choosing culture over strategy. You are identifying a critical cultural deficiency (avoidance of necessary work) that directly threatens the execution of any strategy the company adopts. Fixing this is a strategic imperative. It’s foundational work required for future strategic success.
  • Reconciling the Feedback: The feedback to “focus more on company strategy” might mean:
    • Ensure Alignment: Make sure your team understands the company strategy and how their work (including the less glamorous parts) contributes to it. Use the strategy as the “why” behind the cultural push.
    • Strategic Context: Ensure your understanding and communication of the strategy are sharp. You need to articulate which strategic goals are hampered by the current cultural issue.
    • Don’t Lose Sight of the Big Picture: While fixing the cultural plumbing, don’t forget to keep an eye on the overall direction (strategy). Ensure the cultural changes you’re making actively support the intended strategic direction.
  • Frame the Culture Work Strategically: When you talk to your team about sharing the load and doing necessary work, explicitly link it to achieving specific strategic objectives. “We can’t hit Goal X if tasks Y and Z are consistently delayed because they aren’t seen as ‘interesting’. Achieving our strategy requires all hands on deck for all necessary tasks.”
  • Use Strategy to Prioritize Culture Efforts: Which aspects of the strategy are most at risk due to this cultural trait? Focus your cultural interventions there first.
  • Communicate Upwards: Explain to those who gave you the feedback how your focus on this specific cultural aspect is essential for enabling the company’s strategy. Frame it not as an either/or, but as necessary groundwork. “To ensure we can execute on Strategy A, I’m currently prioritizing building a team culture that ensures reliable completion of all required tasks, B and C, which are foundational to A.”

Directional listening

  • Challenge Literal Interpretation: Actively pause when you receive input. Ask yourself: “Is this a direct order, a strong suggestion, a brainstormed idea, or an expression of a concern?”
  • Instead of just accepting the suggestion, probe deeper:
    • “Thanks for that suggestion. Can you help me understand the specific problem you’re hoping this will solve?”
    • “What’s the main outcome you’re looking for with that approach?”
    • “Could you walk me through your thinking on how this would work?”
    • “That’s an interesting idea. How do you see it fitting with [Project Goal X] or [Constraint Y]?”
    • “Is this something you feel is essential, or more of an idea to explore?” (Use this carefully, but it can directly ask about the ‘directionality’).
  • Show you’ve heard and understood the intent or the value in their suggestion, even if you disagree with the specific implementation.
    • “I understand why you’re suggesting [the idea]. It makes sense that you’re concerned about [the underlying issue].”
    • “Thank you, I appreciate you bringing that perspective. You’re right that [aspect they highlighted] is important.”
    • “I can see the potential benefit of [their suggestion] in terms of [positive outcome].”
  • articulate why their suggestion might not be feasible or the best approach in its current form. Be factual and objective.
    • Refer to Goals/Scope: “While that’s a great idea, it might take us outside the agreed-upon scope for this phase. Perhaps we can log it for future consideration?”
    • Mention Constraints: “Implementing that would require [resource/time/budget] that we currently don’t have allocated.” or “Based on the current technical setup, that approach might introduce [specific risk or complexity].”
    • Cite Data/Research: “Our user research indicated [finding X], which suggests we might want to prioritize [alternative approach].”
    • Explain Trade-offs: “We could do [their suggestion], but it would mean we’d have to sacrifice [something else important]. My recommendation is to stick with [original plan] because it better aligns with our primary objective of [Goal Y].”
  • Frame your reasoning around the project’s success or the team’s objectives.
    • We both want [desired outcome]. My concern with [their suggestion] is that it might impact [shared goal] in this way: […]. How can we achieve [the stakeholder’s underlying need] while protecting [the shared goal]?”
  • Show you’re still trying to incorporate the spirit of their feedback.
    • “While we might not be able to do [exact suggestion] due to [reason], what if we addressed your concern by doing [alternative solution]?”
    • “Could we perhaps implement a simpler version of your idea that fits within our current constraints?”
    • “I understand the need for [what their suggestion achieves]. Could we explore [another way] to get a similar result?”
  • Since tone can be tricky, follow up verbal discussions with brief emails summarizing the input, your understanding, the decision made, and the reasoning. This confirms understanding without relying on tone interpretation.
    • “Hi [Stakeholder], thanks for discussing [topic] today. Just to confirm my understanding, you suggested [their idea] to address [their concern]. After considering it against [project goals/constraints], we decided to proceed with [chosen approach] because [brief reason]. We appreciate your input on this.”